A Semi-Formal Apology

Dear Garbage..person,

On behalf of my family...(and my neighbor) I would like to apologize for this mornings trash can of deathly stench.

While there were (obviously) many things I did not take into consideration when I decided to add another creature to the humble abode..

The prodigious amount of animal waste would be at the top of the heap (oy)

Between the mastiff, the puppy and the cat...we could fertilize the Mall (the one with the Monuments..not the stores)

I do sincerely apologize.

Especially since when I dropped a(nother) bag of goodies into the can last night I discovered my more-than-mildly incontinent neighbor also choose Friday as the day to toss in her " weekly bags of trash" as well. (she's old and cheap, so we share trash expenses)
The smell almost knocked me off my feet..prompting Vin who was a good twenty feet away to scream "Mom, what is that stink?"

You surely must have cursed me heartily this morning...again.

You are an underappreciated godly like person, and I do not blame you for shoving my trashcan into the holly shrub..so that I get as scratched up as an old Lynyrd Skynyrd Album when I attempt to retrieve it.

May your weekend be free of offensive odors..

Thank you,
P.D.

Todays appreciative SWAG

Today was our Health and Wellness fair.

Which as far as I could tell consisted soley to show us how unhealthy we are.

For FREE they:
Tested our cholesterol, our BMI (thats Body Mass Index), and our blood pressure.

And conducted a Dermavue skin analysis (shows you the UV damage to your skin)

Not to mention representives from Weight Watchers....and COPE (an employee mental health provider)

I'm sorry? So they show their appreciation by telling us we're stressed, fat, sun damaged, mental...AND we have high blood pressure?

How inspiring...

I of course partook in none of this.

I waltzed in, grabbed my free gift (a nifty blue Nalgene bottle) and breezed right back out again.

I am now at my desk eating Gummi Bears...and drinking Diet Coke.

A woman in my department won the "Weight Watchers" tote bag, she almost cried she was so happy..... at least they were smart enough to just bring it down to her..and not send out a company wide e-mail alerting us that she was the lucky weiner.

I snuck a few male co-workers names into the drawing...but no dice.

Fate is not my friend today.

I am an appreciated employee

Ths being Wednesday, I am midweek of what is my place of enslavement's "employee appreciation week"
Monday we had a continental breakfast whilst our beloved president gave a short inspirational speech where he managed to mispronounce our HR Directors name, and introduce our new Executive Vice President, a personal croney..who has recently come to us from....George Bush's cabinet!
We also enjoyed a rousing game of e-mail bingo throughout the day..

Yesterday...found us donning our "hard hats" for an inspiration field trip and short bus ride (and you can read that either way... either short..bus ride...or short bus...ride, both would be fitting) to the site of our future new office...smack dab in the middle of Arlington Virginia...joyous exhaltations of trafficky goodness! (we had received a lovely packed lunch we could either eat on the bus, or indulge in it's deliciousness at our desks)

Today...we will be having a "Margaritas and Milkshakes with Motivational Speaker" from 3-5pm.

As for the delightful appreciative swag we have received thus far? In addition to the lovely hard hat we got to keep for ourverysleves, we have received lunch bags with our company logo..and a t-shirt with same company logo.

Tomorrow we have a health and wellness fair, with a special "fun-walk" throughout the day.

It is so very lovely being appreciated.

Redneck by association..National Rifle Association that is..

In my efficiency hut at my place of enslavement I have a bulletin board that I stick random and conversationally akward things on (not actual work mind you..that would just be silly)
Recently I posted a picture of my brother in full redneck mode kneeling in front of a deer he had hunted down and slaughtered last fall in the wilds of Wisconsin..it's blood dramatic against the snow in front of him. (I actually have it posted because it's a 16 point buck with a drop tine, which is rather unique)
Some people react rather amusingly to this, you can tell they're moderately repulsed, but dont want to actually SAY anything for fear I might try to stuff them and hang them on my wall.
I myself do not hunt. Don't have the inclination. My father attempted to take me hunting on my youth, didn't take. I dont like shooting live things..targets..yep, and I'm a great shot as well. But I dont jones on taking life, it messes with my karma.
But since hunting is beyond a religion in my family..it's actually a career for one member of my "clan" I just keep my trap shut and roll with it (besides, who knows when the ability to clean and gut a dear will come in handy..eh? Not to mention the lifetime membership in the NRA, which was a gift from my father when I turned 18....hoooah)

Anyway, back to the picture. My brother and I dont look a thing alike...aside from both being gorgeous that is...actually to be shocking my brother is even better looking than I.
I am told he looks like Johnny Depp...only less scrungy
I of course am far superior in intellect.
But where I am short..er.. pale and blonde with dark eyes, he is tall, swarthy(what a great word)with dark hair and gold/green eyes..
Maybe thats why physical beauty doesn't turn my brain to mush, I'm used to it...my entire family is gorgeous...

Anyway a person wandered into my hut today..and upon seeing said photo asked me if he was single (at least she didnt ask me if he was was boyfriend, which HAS happened and is just icky)
and then told me she thought the picture was inflammatory.

Exactly.

The Doktor is in..

Today on my lunch hour I went to my psychiatrist appt..

I've missed our last three appointments (sick and then I forgot and blah blah blah) and frankly I was running low on Adderall, and our appointments are often amusing to the point of being a Monty Python skit..
I dont know what other people talk about with their psychiatrists, because frankly many people are very spooked by the whole mental health issue...but it turned out to be NOTHING like it is on television..no fainting sofa for me to recline on, in fact I sit in an old leather chair with the stuffing leaking out of it...(I think she picked it up at a thrift store) at a round table that has a Sigmund Freud bobble head on it...and big bowl of hard candylll
She spent half the appointment talking about her (her mother recently died, and she isnt getting along with her sister, who took her mothers cats..ect ect) and the other half talking about how wonderful I am...which while fabulous for my self esteem, makes me wonder if I should be more concerned that we dont delve deeper into my psyche..

Somtimes we talk about shopping...

Is it bad that I think my shrink may be nutters?
Or is she just so brilliant I dont realize she's helping me...

Anyway, I always feel shiny after leaving (new Adderall script in hand)
still, I wonder....

Strange fits of thievery...and big puffy lips..

Alrighty...so last week as I was loading Brutus the big white dog into the subaru for the trip to the vet for his rabies shot (poor old fart, he can no longer leap joyously into and out of my car, so I get his front paws in and ppuuussshhh the remained of his 108lb bulk into the waggin) I happened to glance at my license plate and noticed...someone had taken the sticker with the year (here in Weargina when we renew our vehicle registration yearly/bi-yearly we get a little sticker with the new year on it to stick on our license plate..I am told is not the case elsewhere..s)
Anyway, the sticker I placed on it last October was gone..and instead of 07...it read 05.
So, twould appear someone had peeled off the new one...I dont know when..

I was sure having the luck of the Finns, that now that I was aware of this..I would get stopped by the po-lice wanting an explaination as to my expired status. (luckily I have the registration..and stopmedropme I actually had the receipt from the online purchase)
Obviously..this necessitated a pilgrimage to the local DMV. woo. and seeing as there is a branch near my place of enslavement I went on my lunch hour.
I expected it to be insane..so I was not irritated when it was packed..I welcomed the chance to do some people watching/mocking..and there are few placed better to do this than the DMV...for it is societies great equalizer..
I queued up and lo and behold I hit the weird people motherload..in front of me was a woman who had obviously had her lips recently injected with collagen...Having never seen this phenomenon up close I was fascinated by this. HER LIPS WERE HUGE..I mean Donald Duck...her face got stuck in a pool drain HUGE...and they were smeared generously with lip gloss as well...
I am completely at a loss as to the reasoning behind this procedure...it looks so completely unnatural (to this I offer Meg Ryan and her "trout pout" as an example) and I find it impossible to believe that they look in the mirror and see otherwise (much like low rise trousers/jeans...Do you not see that "muffin top" spilling over the top of the waistband?? Because we do, and we are mocking you) anyway I digress.
The DMV was a hoot, there was a big hairy man there with a teeny tiny little asian woman, she was his new wife...and she didnt speak English.
::blink:: ::blink::
Over there is the Abercromie & Fitch model loudly protesting his failure of the driving test, because the questions could be "open to intrepretation".
And a young latina wearing the the tightest jeans and tube top...I swear the temptation to press a spoon against a seam to see if she pops like a can of biscuits was so strong I had to dig through my purse for a mint, just to preoccupy my mind (no mint, but I did find a ring pop I bought my little angel and never gave to him...Cotton Candy flavored..yummm)

Anyway, an hourish later I was reapplying my 07 stickers to my plates again)..and it only cost me a dollar!

Bad Penny...

I've been a bad bad girl.
And now I'm paying the price.
Margaritas on a midweek night are an ill advised choice.
Shame on Penny.
Thankfully, I left no photographic evidence to remind of my shennanigans.
And the gorgeous young man I so ill abused, hopefully you are no worse for the wear.

I distinctly recall telling you I did indeed know all the words to "The Lumberjack Song"

Never bet anything you arent willing to lose...silly rabbit.

Love, love...love...all you need is kibble..

Theres a plot afoot.

Howevermany years ago. We decided to get a cat. So I went to the local animal shelter and found two perfectly lovely ones, a calico and a fat grey one...put them on "hold" and brought my son to meet them the next day.
The calico ran under a chair in the visiting room, refusing to come out, and the grey one fell into a narcoleptic snooze right in the middle of the floor.
So they're no go with the little man...and out we go to look around.
My son stops in front of the cage of a skinny, snot nosed, runny eyed orange tabby cat who was missing half his whiskers..and declares he want to visit with this one..oh joy.
So into the visiting room we tramp..sensing immediately whose bread was the top slice, the orange germ-a-kitty promptly crawls into my sons lap and starts purring.
::sigh:: sold.
Welcome Darwin..
So whose head does he snooze on now, who does he hollar at when he wants food or the window opened? Mine of course. (by the by, once he gained some weight, and lost the cold, his wiskers did grown back and he's a wonderful cat)
So three-ish years ago, I decide to add a dog to this mix.
So after much this and that and propaganda as to the breeds adoration of children.., I decided to rescue a Dogo Argentino (look it up) and after a trip to meet him halfway..
Brutus becomes a part of our family...now who does he wait for by the door, attempt to heft his pony size proportions on and stare adoringly at with big doggy eyes?
Yup..me again.

So when a teammate hauled two of her labradors puppies to a soccer game, I vowed to stand firm.
No more animals.
Yeah.
Hi Gretzky...welcome to the fold.
This time though I was ready to head the problem off at the pass.
I set the crate up in my sons room, having read that sleeping in close proximity to a human not only reduces the whining (in this case true) but also bonds the dog with said slumbering human.
And tried to diminish my role to outside in middle of night escort.
One week later my son is sick..like cannot get out of bed, good for zip sick for close to a week..
So whilst I was still the midnight escort "Do your business..do your business" I also became the feeder, player, and whatever else...

Well, now my son is better, my cat having hidden in the laundry room for a week is thinner, and my bigwhitedog Brutus is none to happy with the ADD yappy puppy who thinks I'm all that and a bag of kibble now following me everwhere.. (andBrutus showed this yesterday by peeing on the puppies head)


And yet my shiny goodness remains shiny and good..I just need a nap.