Thank you Tidy

For every foot there is a sock..

I like to share the wealth..when I "discover" a wonderful place to spend my hard earned wages I like to pass it on....and as some of you may recall..a while back I firmly endorsed one of my favorite e-tailers Black Phoenix Alchemy Labs for their delightfully debauched fragrances, and just fun message boards.

Well onto my new e-tailing obsession..

Imelda Marcos was a firm believer that a girl can never have enough shoes.

And while I agree, I have to take a little turn here and say..A girl can never have enough socks.

Crazy statement you say! Well I disagree and I suspect if you noodle on over to my new absolute most favorite e-tailer sock-dreams you will agree.

Name your sock yen and they got em..with a heavy emphasize on my beloved over the knee socks..(also known as OTK) and thigh highs...yes my little consumer driven minons I said THIGH HIGH SOCKS...not just sexy stockings, but they have them too. But wonderful socks. Lots of stripes, be it vertical or horizontal..
Fishnets..yup they got em.
And they also have some wonderful accessories.
Go check em out..

Well shoot.

This is my 100th post...and I have to waste the auspiciousness by relaying that my beloved pooch Brutus has died.

So Penny is feeling rather dreadful....I'll be back soon.


pffft. cosmic kick in my ass.

Halloweenie on a stick...

(and now back to our regularly scheduled blogging..Penny's had enough doom gloom and dreadfulness for a while)

Another Halloween come and gone.
I love Halloween. But has always seemed so anticlimatic to me....even more so than Christmas.

Your chances of still getting some celebratory high after Christmas are quite good. Christmas music is still playing, and as everyone knows you have till after New Years to give and receive gifts..but Halloween comes...and then just as quickly goes.
Aside from the candy hangover and a rapidly decomposing pumpkin nothing sticks around very long.
Christmas decorations lurk for weeks...but how often do you see Halloween decorations more than a day after the celebratory activities?

I know people who plan their Halloween costume months in advance, yet come November 1st..its back to the closet never to be heard from again..(well unless you hit the sales and picked up a few "costumes" for the off season..ahem)

This year I was a Fairy Goth Mother...because it allowed me to wear three of my most favorite things together....overalls, Doc Martens...and wings.. Frankly I would dress like that every day (well minus the wings..,maybe)
It was really brilliant I tell you..except for all the chowderheads who kept asking me if I was an angel...
WHA? Wearing BLACK wings, Big clompy Docs (they were my steel toes..god I love those) waay too much makeup and a NOSE RING?
Silly rabbits...

Anyway, all that remains today is some rather stubborn glitter (which even after you shower a few flecks remain) and the dark nail polish.
(My squeeze went into work this morning and he had a few flecks of glitter stuck to him...he told them that his "glittery girlfriend sat on Satan Claus' lap last night to tell him whether she wanted a trick or a treat" BWAAAA he's so silly)

I of course squired Obi Wan Kenobi, Darth Vadar and a saucy little red devil around the hood last night and am pleased to report the larcenous hi-jinx was well in check...and much candy was collected.

But today...pfft fun hangover.
It's all a big let down...

Luckily I think I can find a use for those wings again...

Blurg...

Well what a shit month eh?

The Burlington VT police have arrested the man they believe to be responsible (believe..snort..innocent until proven guilty..blah blah blah) and charged him with aggravated murder.
Cause of death strangulation and blunt force trauma.
And the bag of shit raped her as well.

Frankly my mind refuses to dwell on this, like a scared little child it captures just a glimpse and it runs to the corner and refuses to listen anymore..eyes screwed shut, fingers in ears singing "La la la la I'm not listening"

But time and life marches on..

JC is back at work now.

Every parents nightmare.

This is Michelle Gardner Quinn. She is 21 years old and a Senior at the University of Vermont.
She was last seen at 2:15am on the morning of Saturday 7 October, 2006 after parting company with a group of friends celebrating a birthday at a local bar in Burlington Vermont.

She was reported missing Saturday night when she failed to meet her parents who were up from Virginia for "Parents Weekend", and has now been missing for 6 days.

Michelle is described as a wordly traveller who has studied abroad in Costa Rica, Brazil and South Africa, fiercely intelligent and independent.

She is also the 21 year old daughter of a co-worker of mine.

A kind, well spoken man who adored his daughter and spoke of her with great pride very often.

That this would happen to any parent is horrifying, that I can put a familiar face to the suffering is absolutely heartrending.

That my sympathy is not for "those poor parents" but for "JC" someone I've talked to weekly at least makes it so much more raw that my heart just literally aches for him and he wife.

This is a horror that words cannot express, it is beyond words.

The burgenoning fear that JC and his wife must have faced that Saturday night makes my insides just twist.
I know the day I came home and Vin wasnt there, and I didnt know where he was for almost an entire hour was the most terrifying experience of my life..hands down.

The panic you feel is visceral, and you are helpless to do anything, and can only hope for the best, while imagining the worst, and it is amazing the depths your mind can conjour at these times.

I just keep repeating "This isnt happening...this isnt happening" Until I fairly shouted it over it over.

I pray with all of my heart that his result will be much as mine...his child will be safe and he will hug her and tell her he loves her and the vice grip around his heart will lessen so he can breathe.

...Updated Friday = 13 October, 2006
As some of you have already learned.

The body of Michelle was found earlier today.
I am frankly just to fucking upset to post coherently.

fuck it all.

In the infamous words of the Wee-V

Hockeys on tonight...Hockey's on tonight...

Hockey's on toooooooooooooooooonight!!!

The exhaulted sport of the artic gods (not to be confused with the exhaulted sport of the pitch gods) begins tonight for me with my beloved Capitals battling against the NY Rangers.


woot woot

Empty bag of fun..

So, Satan had returned to his presurgery self with no real ill effects from his..change.

With the sole exception of he now humps his dog bed, the veterinarian has assured me this is only temporary, sort of a last oomph of the testosterone..but it is a bit disconcerting to see him having relations with his bed.

He still chases the cat, he still irritates the hell out of my mastiff but barking in his face, his favorite chewy toy is still the hair catch from the shower drain...which when he manages to steal he runs and hides under the bed with just his hairy hind end sticking out...tail swishing in furious glee at his plunder..
In the morning when I let him out of his crate he still hauls ass to Vincent still slumbering in bed and jumps on top of him trying to pull his covers off.
He had pulled the legs off of his "Suspicious Chicken" toy so now it's just a torso with wings (he chewed his face off weeks ago)

Basically he is back to his ill behaved self with a few added bonuses.

And his little bean bag is empty...

My little cone head

So as I posted last week my furry little satan dog went in for the great gender neutralizing surgery.
Since it was considered major surgery (and I'm sure you gentlemen are saying "damn skippy!")
He had an overnight stay at hotel de Colonial (thats the vet)
and sweet jesus, I had forgotten how quiet and peaceful my house was before Cujo masquerading as Old Yeller arrived...Thursday night was so serene and peaceful...::sigh::

Friday morning I arrived to pick up said poochie, hoping to see my much calmer beautific angel coming quietly trotting out (medicated to the gills...natch)
But instead out shoots the hellbeast...still much like trying to teather a tornado..only now theres a funnel on his head...which he has used judiciously in the last week to bruise each one of us by head butting us.
This cone for you none-pet owners is to keep said pet from munching on his incision..yummy thought that is..

Three things I have discovered about the "cone"
1. when Gretzky goes into a room and attempts to turn around and leave said room he shuts himself in the room. he has locked himself in the bathroom three times so far...this is funny.
2. when he drinks water, it pours out of his funnel like a waterfall, this is not so funny.
3. Sneaking up on him is much easier, but he retaliates by "coning" you.

It's due to come off the end of this week, I wonder if it will be like a brand new world for him...

Use em...or lose em..

Tomorrow is the day..

Gretzky..aka the Great One will be going under the knife to become....
Gretzky...aka "No Nuts"
And not a moment too soon either...theres a saucy little Chihuahua down the road thats taken quite a shine to my posturing pooch and has been finding excuses to scootle past our house.
Not to mention his new favorite person greeting...wag tail..walk around the back of the person and stick his nose practically in their arse while taking deep sniffies...blurg.

Trallop.

I think Brutus knows, he's been giving me that patient 'He'll get his..oh yes he will" look ever since he heard me make the appointment.

This morning I sang the "Gretzky's getting his nuts chopped off" song
And that silly dog danced right along with me...
Vin just glared at me and kept saying "Thats not funny..thats not funny"

He's getting a special din din tonight...its not his favorite (because that clumping cat litter is a BEEOTCH to get out of his teeth) but its a close second...yum yum bologna and cheese sammiches!

Love hurts...and I've the limp to prove it

I'm in a dysfunctional relationship that is going to put me in traction.

I had a soccer game last night...oh and Sunday night...and I've got one tomorrow night...and then again on Saturday.

I am in pain..I got knocked over last night...repeatedly.

Large offensive (and I mean positionally) woman kept losing control and steam rolling me.

I was knocked down 4 times, I have bruises all over my arms and a HUGE one on my elbow from the last tumble where I hit my head on the ground so hard I bit my tongue.

Add this to the usual aches, pains and maladies and I'm moving like I was hit by a truck..and look like I've been drafted into the roller derby.

GOD I LOVE SOCCER...I only wish it didnt love me so much..

A snip in time..

Gretzky's going in the for the snip snip soon.

Whoever said if it's got testicles its trouble...knew what they were talking about!

My adorable puppy has turned into an asshole...and either the nuts go...or I'm letting the cat kick his ass.

Oy!

Back to school...

Its raining. It's pouring. Back to work is boring..

Ok seriously, its the first day of school for my darling little angel.

4th grade.

He insisted on wearing shorts (even though its a bit of a cold downpour) and his clothes dont match.

The lovely nutritious breakfast I had planned was scrapped in favor of "Reeses Puffs cereal" and a handful of M&M's.

The dog drooled all over his backpack, and he informed me that "wearing a rain poncho is GHEY mom" and only grudgingly accepted an umbrella.

It's going to be a lovely lovely year....so officially begineth the pre-teen years.

Meh.

Public Service Announcement

Alrighty.
I'm back.
Just to bring everyone up to date in the last month(ish) I....
Turned 33...again.
Got mugged on my way to see "The Tideliar" when he was here (I blame him)
Did my time on the "God Squad" (Volunteered at my sons VBS) and discovered that organized religion and I...still dont march to the same drummer.
Lost 7 pounds...but amazingly still have my ass.
Nursed my mother back to ambulation after her foot surgery...and didnt kill her.
And...furthered my plot for world domination!!!

There that should bring all of you up to speed.

This time I am sure he said TAGGED

I got tagged by Tideliar again...woop...once more and I get a free toaster..

Five Things in my Freezer
1. Frosty Paws (c'mon you knew they were there!)
2. Trader Joes French Toast (the wee V loves it)
3. A bag of frozen veggies that I use as an icepack
4. Vodka (still unopened)
5. Ice

Five Things in my Closet: (hall)
1. My much loved and much destroyed Doc Martens
2. Soccer Stuff (shoes, knee brace, shin guards, balls...ect ect
3. Fire Extinguisher
4. Baseball Bat
5. 3 boxes of soda - 2 boxes of Fresca and a box of Diet Caffeine Free Dr Pepper (It tastes more like regular Dr Pepper you know)

Five Things in my Car:
1. Empty cigarette box (from a very long time ago)
2. Handy Wipes
3. blanket
4. about 30 pens
5. Wales Rugby jersey

Five things in my purse (other than my wallet..duh)
1. plastic fork
2. 4 tubes and one pot of lip stuff
3. Adderall
4. ATM receipts
5. Rescue Remedy

And since everyone I know on this "scene" has been tagged..I guess my buck stops here (unless I think of someone later..because I just cannot be arsed now)

The Heat makes people do crazy things...

Theres a joke about everyone from Minnesota being born in late summer and fall, because there aint a whole lot else to do in Winter. (My father was on summer break when my brother was conceived, and home on leave from the Marine Corps for me hence our early-mid summer birthdays)

Well I have noticed that in the more southernly states...theres a whole lotta getting on..going on in the summer.
Maybe since they're already hot and sweaty they figure..what the hell?
Maybe it's all that exposed tan skin.

But I actually saw a couple seriously getting into in..in the frozen food section of my grocery store yesterday.

I actually said "Holy Crap" because the sight of two people pressed so close you couldnt get a slice of saran wrap between them..his knees wedged between her legs and his hands on her ass sorting hoisting her up..well you dont expect THAT to be blocking your way to the Frosty Paws (thats ice cream for dogs...they were on sale..ok?) on your average shopping excursion.

I was stunned into statuary.

I know its rude to stare..but...Huzzah.

Whaaaaat?

Yesterday afternoon I am diligently slaving along at my place of enslavement when...pffft.

My computer reboots itself...Well crap.

After the reboot...it does it again...and again.

So like a good little office lemming I call my MIS department and say "My computer has gone postal and is holding me hostage, please bring a gun"

After staring my my computer attempting to reboot itself again..it is officially declared dead.

And I get..a new hard drive...and therefor lose everything on my old hard drive.

The MIS guy asks me "Do you want me to attempt to recover anything from your previous hard drive?"

Frantically searching my memory...not for important work mind you..but illicit ramblings/pictures/blah dee blah blah I may have stupidly saved (or not so cleverly hidden) and would very much NOT want recovered and viewed by our MIS department..I say "Um no, thats ok, I'm sure I can recollect whatever information I may need"

Dammit..

Let this be a lesson..for whatever you wish it to be..
It would just be a shame to lose all my "stuff" without one..dont you think?

The Trip To WhizKonSin..The Departure/Arrival...

Our departure from the lovely Reagan National Airport (which will forever just be "National Airport" to those of us who know best) was delayed 35 Minutes...

Immediately this raises the red flag of alarm for our beloved heroine, because being able to tell time she realizes... that if the plane is scheduled to land in Milwaukee at 3:35 pm, and her connecting flight to Minneapolis/St Paul departs Milwuakee at 3:25 PM, there is a problem..So she calms walked up to the counter jerk at the MIDWEST counter and politely says "Sir, my connecting flight departs 10 minutes before we are due to land, this is a problem"

Counter jerk-wad says "Yes there are actually 8 of you transferring the plane will wait"

I doubt this, but can hope. And really cant blame counter jerk for being a lying queen with over gelled hair.

Upon landing in Milwaukee at 3:40 I am not too suprised to discover, the connecting flight has departed.

I am considerably more suprised to learn that the next flight to MSP departs at 9:40pm.
FIVE HOURS LATER.

So we are given a 20 dollar food voucher at the Midwest desk, I called my sister in law in time for her to stop her 1 1/2 hour drive and turn around...to drive back later.
And trudge off to kill some time in Milwaukees airport and partake of the fine airport cuisine.

These are some things we learned while whittling away the hours.

1. There is a candy bar called a cow pie in Wisconsin, and it is yummeriffic...and tastes alot like a turtle (the candy..not the aminal)
2. Most of the food vendors stop selling food between 6:30 and 7pm (thankfully the wonderful woman at the bookseller was kind enough to tell me this, before I was unable to redeem said voucher)
3. A 20 dollar food voucher will buy: 2 Pizza Hut personal cheese pizzas, a large drink, a bottle of milk and a bag of chips
4. There is not only a Harley Davidson shop, but also an aviation museum in the airport.
5. They sell something called "cheese curds" at the variety shop.
6. They also sell those big foam cheese wedges people wear on their heads (packers fans)
7. BEER IS NOW CHEAPER THAN GAS, so several gifts in the shop declared..
8. Starbucks coffee does not come in decaf there...the wee V was hopped up! (but really with 5 hours to kill did I care? nope)
9. Acid washed jeans still look like crap, even more so as...SHORTS..on men.
10. 5 hours is a very very long time to kill in Milwaukee's airport.

Finally we depart (Midwest has given us 2 seventyfive dollar vouchers towards our next flight) arrive in Minneapolis St Paul at 11:30..ish..and discover..Yup our bags didn't make the trip.
Apparently 5 hours wasnt enough time for the cheeseheads to ensure our luggage arrived with us.
I am not pleased, and trudge along with my other "transferers" over to the desk to report said lack of luggage.
So when the wee V exhausted and stressed starts to cry (mind you this is 12:30 our time) I do not stop him, but glare at the counter lady as I dramatically soothe my angel.
Dirty pool I know..but I'm petty sometimes.

I give the woman the address I am staying at in Eau Claire Wisconsin (noting her alarm at the distance with a bit of satisfaction) collect my second set of 75$ vouchers and head out to my sister in law handily parked at the curb..

We've arrived....

more to come...

The prodigal penny has returned

I'm home..on terra homa.

My luggage however, is in milwaukee.

I'm am tired..and good lord it is hot here.

Will fill all of you lovelies in on my shennanigans in the dairy state...when my brain arrives ..like the silly girl I am I packed it in my checked luggage.

Yawn...back to bed..or at least the sofa

Wisconsin...Smell the Dairy Air.

I'm leavin on a jet plane, dont know when...oh wait yes I do...I'll be back in 10 days.

I am going to Wisconsin..why you ask?? Brilliant question!

I am going to visit my brother and his family...and the Minnesota contingency of my familt topiary...will be coming down on the 4th to visit ...and drink Old Milwaukee no doubt!

My brother is a hoot, he's very serious and responsible.

I actually like my sister in law (she's gorgeous as well so she fits in nicely)

My nephew and my son are separated by only 5 months..so havoc will be wrecked there...little hooligans.

But I have to admit, while I love my family all equally I simply adore my neice. She is 12 (oh dear lord maybe she's 13?) Anyway I adore her.

She is simply the most interesting and fascinating person of any age.
Se has Aspergers (look it up I'm in a hurry) and she is quite frankly brilliant.

Unfortunately, she is at the age where being slightly different, gorgeous and brilliant..is not so easy when you go to school will hateful little cows masquerading as preteen girls.
So a nice long hang out session with Auntie Penny is just what she needs.

Anyway, I gotta go get ready to leave.

If I dont post before...Happy July 4th..

Celebrate our independence from the oppressively tyrannical Great Britain!

:-P

God what a day...

I'm beat.

Conversational A D D

(I wrote this last night, but didnt post it until this morning..blerg)

I just got home from my soccer game..which we won.
Go us.

Anyway, today at work the top I wore necessitated the wearing of a strapless undergarment.
Because the showing of bra straps is growled upon at my place on enslavement.
My strapless brassiere is a torture device, it is by all practice standards...the upper half of a corset, complete with rib gouging boning to keep the girls upwardly mobile.
So naturally by about 3:30 I am uncomfortable and ready to hurl said evil foundation garment out the window...since I could not..I did the next best thing and whined to my co-workers about the uncomfortableness.
Which of course diverted into a conversation about bras in general..and then one of my coworkers blurts out that she cant go braless because her nipples are really large and pointy outy (ok she didnt use pointy outy, but I edited for my amusement)

begyerpardon?

Now, There is such a thing as oversharing with your co-workers, granted there is a fine line between talking about brassieres and discussing what fillith thine cup.
But it exists, and it should not be crossed.

After a few stunned moments I simply said "Well thats unfortunate..back to work I am!"

and fairly sailed back to my desk..

I'm back...and now on to something more important..

Breathe easy my little minions, I am fine.

The beginning of June is simply a sucky time for me, so I retreat in my shell (like a typical cancerian) and emerge all shiny and new in a few weeks..with my hard crunchy shell intact.


Anyway, enough about me...
As you know if you've been paying attention. I dont post about the goings on...going on...on someone elses blog...but, today I read Tideliars blog about the loss of a childhood friend recently who died while serving in Afghanistan.
My heart broke for him. Regardless how you feel about this war, or war in general....losing somebody you know, never mind care for, brings it crashing into your solar plexus like a fist. That someone so alive in your mind is now gone, and there will be no more memories to be made..

I have been there, and it sucks more profoundly than words can ever express...the great gaping hole where a memory used to be.
For a while, the memories take on a pain all their own, and when you visit them, they hurt so much they literally take your breath away.

And everytime you hear of it happening to "someone else" it all comes rushing back, I know they say time heals all wounds, but I think it is easier to simply say that in time you learn to live with some wounds, and they just become part of who you are, they no longer define you, but they have shaped you.

And those who still have someone "over there" when you hear about something like this, the fear is beyond terror, because the only way to survive is to not acknowledge that it can happen to anyone even to ____, or else it will drive you mad.

So, Tideliar my very dear friend. My heart goes out to you. I feel your pain, and I grieve with you over the loss of your friend.

I have no words that will make it "better" because they simply do not exist..

It just sucks.

Godspeed.

Well that would explain my lofty self image

howmuchareyouworth?
I am worth 1,911.356.79

Pocket change...

And they say all Scandanavians look alike.

This is me not get publically intoxicated at an awards banquet with my friend and co-worker Nora.
She shares the blessed genes of Scandanavia with me...

I've been tagged?..could of sworn he said shagged...

Well a fine thanky doo to tidlee, I've been tagged.

Ten things I loathe about my job (yes I know he changed it to 5 and 5, but I'm a purist and resist change)
1. Inflexible hours: Whats up with that crap? Who cares if I'm here at exactly x or leave before y? ..as long as I get the work done. Case in point..I'm here right now!

2. The customers..the customers..the customers. Every stupid person on earth has me on speed dial.

3. That young shit upstairs who is fresh out of college and think being president of his fraternity makes him cool, it doesnt, it just gives me something else to mock him for.

4. Our dress code. Professional during the week with business casual on Fridays, and this is only because our current grand pooh bah used to be a Governor. I want the return of Friday's wearing my Levi's!

5. CUBICLE. Need I say more?

6. That group of horrid women who meet in the bathroom and make fun of other women. I wish I could get away with giving them all swirlies, mean cows.

7. Having to explain something elementary to the higher ups, who just shuttle it off on their underpaid and overworked Admins, or after my one hour tutorial ask "Well could you just do it for us, you understand that stuff"

8. I am surrounded by women who spend the entire freaking day gossiping..about each other to each other..they skulk on over to x to complain about y..then simper to y to kvetch about x..

My Grandmother told me...if they gossip TO you..they gossip ABOUT you..


9.Did I mention I have a CUBICLE?

10. The unwillingness of anyone to go out of their way to obtain knowledge that might be helpful to someone else. Its always "Thats not my job, that's Eduardo"
chowderheads.

Now two things I love:

My director, he is the schizzle in the twizzle. At my previous company I was micromanaged to the point I swear she knew the color of my knickers from hovering behind me so much.
My current big cheese trusts my capabilities and supports my decisions and my work.

Plus he never gives me crap if I need to leave early..

A good boss type person makes up for all the other crap.

And my co-worker Crystal, who is simply a taller version of me..but she can sing.

There are few things funnier than hearing a 6ft blonde with a southern accent say "How would you like a nice cup of Shut the F*ck up?"
Hilarious.

Tonights million dollar question...

Seriously gentlemen..answer this for me please, and ask your friends.

Why does it bother some of you, when a woman is better at SOME sports than you are?

I like being a girl, I'm feminine..

I have looovely long hair, I wear make-up..

But just because I happen to play a sport better than you on occassion..why is this a threat to you? Why does this piss you off?

Theorectically you say you like a woman who's athletic..but is the caveat ONLY if she doesnt actually perform better than you on the field of play?

I do not dance around and say "I'm better hoooah" or patronize you in any way.

And yet on the occassion like tonight when I have a stellar moment at bat and hit a 3 base run..your masculinity is threatened and you storm off home in a huff..

And men says women are complicated? Puh...Pot...Kettle Black?

No Vacancies in the Cranium..

Not till I'm out of high school mom...

Sometimes to kill the monotony I will intentionally have bizzaro conversations with Vincent, completely nonsense exchanges, that exist only to make us both laugh, or to mess with his brilliant little mind.

Last night on the way to soccer Vincent was telling me about a kid in his class that was held back last year, and how funny he is.
To which I replied.."Funny..how?...Like Funny HA HA...or Funny weird"
"Funny HA HA, At the end of the day when we're leaving and he has to go to SAC he throws himself against the windows on the front door like he's a prisoner, and he's always falling on his face"
"I dont know Vin, that sounds funny in the head, he hasn't tried to kiss you or anything has he?" I ask in mock seriousness.
"No Mom, he just hilarious, not funky" (rolling his eyes)
"Well ok, but dont let him try to kiss you"
"Mom, I am not Gay"
"Well I know that" (glancing sideways at him) "But it would be ok if you were..ya know"
"I like girls Mom"
"Wait, have you kissed a girl yet" I pretend to panic..
"Nope" shaking head vehemently
"Good Because you're way to young for that"
"I know, I'm waiting till...like, after I graduate from High School"
"You're waiting until AFTER you graduate High School?" arching brow
"Yep" confident nod of head
"Can I get that in writing perhaps, because I think a girl is gonna wanna kiss you long before that"
"Well I am not going to want to kiss her!" he states confidently.

BWAAA goodness.....kids are fun! Go get yourself some..

Penny on the Block!

I know I'm going to get it in the arse for this one..but whatever.

I live in a suburb just south of Washington D.C.
The original houses were all built in the 40's. Something around here affectionately called "Post WWII boom housing" they are built sturdy as hell, but for a family of considerably lower maintenance than todays (meaning at MAX two bathrooms)
The yard sizes are all willy nilly, with one of my neighbors having a postage stamp sized lawn, while another has a 1/2 acre (like me)
Anyway, my neighborhood for several years now has been a nice neighborhood sandwiched between two increasingly bad neighborhoods.
In these bad neighborhoods there is a predominately Latino population.
Including ones of the biggest representations of the beloved MS13 from El Salvador (yes the ones who hack up their enemies with Machetes)

And frankly I have always thought it wonderful my son goes to a school where there isnt a cultural whiteout, that he learns tolerance and appreciation of all races, creeds, colors and religions, Vincents first "girlfriend" was a chinese orphan with lesbians as parents..rock on!
I constantly rib my brother in Wisconsin that the only his kids see anyone who is not as white as white can be white is on TV.

Well, Penny aint so zen about it any more.

Theres a new phenom in town and I am not happy.

Frankly my hood is turning into a scary assed place and I dont like it.

Small slab ramblers are being sold/bought, promptly gutted down to one wall, and then these ugly McMansions are being thrown up, and two or three latino families are shacking up together.

No lawn mowing is occuring, no house maintence at all. In fact sheets are the currently curtain of choice. But no matter what there's a "Dish" or two stuck somewhere in the yard.
GOD FREAKIN FORBID YOU MISS "EL FOOTBALL" TO MAYBE MOW YOUR FREAKIN LAWN!!!!
But then how can they mow...when their cars are parked ON their front lawns??

I walk my dogs in the evening (and thank you god they give a WIDE berth when I've got Brutus on the line)and curse these dillweeds vehemently under my breath.
I no longer live in a nice friendly neighborhood.
Car vandalizations are rampant, as are muggings and even a MURDER? what the hell is that?
My brother keeps attempting to get me to move to Pissconsin, but I dont see that being the answer either.

There, a nice politically incorrect rant from Penny.

Forgive my intolerance, even I am not perfect.

Sometimes you just wanna scream

I have spent the entire morning modifying a server list of about 5 thousand records. And then pffft the power went out. Yes I saved a good portion of it, but still. I have to redo the other brainfrying portion..

Happy Happy Joy Joy..Happy Happy Joy.

Well that's why it's called a personal life.

This past weekend a friend who reads my blog asked me why I never talk about my dating/love life on here. I figured there are enough women who fancy themselves "Bridget Jones" on the freakin internet already. Besides why on earth would someone be interested?

Fine. I cave to pressure.

I'll keep it brief. Yes I have a person I see with regularity.
He is currently a Combat Medic in the Army.
He is very good to me, and claims to like me quite alot.
He is also very intelligent, and absolutely adorable.
And harking back to a blog of many moons ago... I am absolutely certain that I could not take him in a fight (not that the event would ever arise to test this theory)

Nosey buggers...are you happy now?

Wait is my blog about my life? Or is my life about my blog??

You know your blogging is getting out of hand when you have a conversation with a friend on the telephone about your blogs..and the comments you have left on each others blogs.
Clearly I need an intervention..

Maybe he can take up cross stitch..

I, as luck (snort) would have it..happen to work within sneezing distance of the US Federal Courthouse...
Yes THAT courthouse...where Zacarias Moussaoui is/was being tried

This has bunged up traffic to a point that is almost inexplicable..not to mention security as been tighter than a *ahem*

I have become accustomed to seeing federal marshals with assault weapons on the roof of my parking garage..and looking out the window during a meeting and watching my car get sniffed by a bomb dog..stranger still.

Well today they read the verdict.
Life in prison..no chance of parole.
And..that is that.

L i f e i n p r i s o n, no chance of parole...sentencing next week.

Because I'm unoriginal..

I took this test on Melanie's Blog.

And I'm too lazy to come up with my own topic today..so I nicked hers.

Thank you Melanie!

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have medium extroversion. You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party. Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences. But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time." Conscientiousness: You have medium conscientiousness. You're generally good at balancing work and play. When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done. But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it. Agreeableness: You have medium agreeableness. You're generally a friendly and trusting person. But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism. You get along well with others, as long as they play fair. Neuroticism: You have low neuroticism. You are very emotionally stable and mentally together. Only the greatest setbacks upset you, and you bounce back quickly. Overall, you are typically calm and relaxed - making others feel secure. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is high. In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas. You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits. A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

The Five Factor Personality Test

A Semi-Formal Apology

Dear Garbage..person,

On behalf of my family...(and my neighbor) I would like to apologize for this mornings trash can of deathly stench.

While there were (obviously) many things I did not take into consideration when I decided to add another creature to the humble abode..

The prodigious amount of animal waste would be at the top of the heap (oy)

Between the mastiff, the puppy and the cat...we could fertilize the Mall (the one with the Monuments..not the stores)

I do sincerely apologize.

Especially since when I dropped a(nother) bag of goodies into the can last night I discovered my more-than-mildly incontinent neighbor also choose Friday as the day to toss in her " weekly bags of trash" as well. (she's old and cheap, so we share trash expenses)
The smell almost knocked me off my feet..prompting Vin who was a good twenty feet away to scream "Mom, what is that stink?"

You surely must have cursed me heartily this morning...again.

You are an underappreciated godly like person, and I do not blame you for shoving my trashcan into the holly shrub..so that I get as scratched up as an old Lynyrd Skynyrd Album when I attempt to retrieve it.

May your weekend be free of offensive odors..

Thank you,
P.D.

Todays appreciative SWAG

Today was our Health and Wellness fair.

Which as far as I could tell consisted soley to show us how unhealthy we are.

For FREE they:
Tested our cholesterol, our BMI (thats Body Mass Index), and our blood pressure.

And conducted a Dermavue skin analysis (shows you the UV damage to your skin)

Not to mention representives from Weight Watchers....and COPE (an employee mental health provider)

I'm sorry? So they show their appreciation by telling us we're stressed, fat, sun damaged, mental...AND we have high blood pressure?

How inspiring...

I of course partook in none of this.

I waltzed in, grabbed my free gift (a nifty blue Nalgene bottle) and breezed right back out again.

I am now at my desk eating Gummi Bears...and drinking Diet Coke.

A woman in my department won the "Weight Watchers" tote bag, she almost cried she was so happy..... at least they were smart enough to just bring it down to her..and not send out a company wide e-mail alerting us that she was the lucky weiner.

I snuck a few male co-workers names into the drawing...but no dice.

Fate is not my friend today.

I am an appreciated employee

Ths being Wednesday, I am midweek of what is my place of enslavement's "employee appreciation week"
Monday we had a continental breakfast whilst our beloved president gave a short inspirational speech where he managed to mispronounce our HR Directors name, and introduce our new Executive Vice President, a personal croney..who has recently come to us from....George Bush's cabinet!
We also enjoyed a rousing game of e-mail bingo throughout the day..

Yesterday...found us donning our "hard hats" for an inspiration field trip and short bus ride (and you can read that either way... either short..bus ride...or short bus...ride, both would be fitting) to the site of our future new office...smack dab in the middle of Arlington Virginia...joyous exhaltations of trafficky goodness! (we had received a lovely packed lunch we could either eat on the bus, or indulge in it's deliciousness at our desks)

Today...we will be having a "Margaritas and Milkshakes with Motivational Speaker" from 3-5pm.

As for the delightful appreciative swag we have received thus far? In addition to the lovely hard hat we got to keep for ourverysleves, we have received lunch bags with our company logo..and a t-shirt with same company logo.

Tomorrow we have a health and wellness fair, with a special "fun-walk" throughout the day.

It is so very lovely being appreciated.

Redneck by association..National Rifle Association that is..

In my efficiency hut at my place of enslavement I have a bulletin board that I stick random and conversationally akward things on (not actual work mind you..that would just be silly)
Recently I posted a picture of my brother in full redneck mode kneeling in front of a deer he had hunted down and slaughtered last fall in the wilds of Wisconsin..it's blood dramatic against the snow in front of him. (I actually have it posted because it's a 16 point buck with a drop tine, which is rather unique)
Some people react rather amusingly to this, you can tell they're moderately repulsed, but dont want to actually SAY anything for fear I might try to stuff them and hang them on my wall.
I myself do not hunt. Don't have the inclination. My father attempted to take me hunting on my youth, didn't take. I dont like shooting live things..targets..yep, and I'm a great shot as well. But I dont jones on taking life, it messes with my karma.
But since hunting is beyond a religion in my family..it's actually a career for one member of my "clan" I just keep my trap shut and roll with it (besides, who knows when the ability to clean and gut a dear will come in handy..eh? Not to mention the lifetime membership in the NRA, which was a gift from my father when I turned 18....hoooah)

Anyway, back to the picture. My brother and I dont look a thing alike...aside from both being gorgeous that is...actually to be shocking my brother is even better looking than I.
I am told he looks like Johnny Depp...only less scrungy
I of course am far superior in intellect.
But where I am short..er.. pale and blonde with dark eyes, he is tall, swarthy(what a great word)with dark hair and gold/green eyes..
Maybe thats why physical beauty doesn't turn my brain to mush, I'm used to it...my entire family is gorgeous...

Anyway a person wandered into my hut today..and upon seeing said photo asked me if he was single (at least she didnt ask me if he was was boyfriend, which HAS happened and is just icky)
and then told me she thought the picture was inflammatory.

Exactly.

The Doktor is in..

Today on my lunch hour I went to my psychiatrist appt..

I've missed our last three appointments (sick and then I forgot and blah blah blah) and frankly I was running low on Adderall, and our appointments are often amusing to the point of being a Monty Python skit..
I dont know what other people talk about with their psychiatrists, because frankly many people are very spooked by the whole mental health issue...but it turned out to be NOTHING like it is on television..no fainting sofa for me to recline on, in fact I sit in an old leather chair with the stuffing leaking out of it...(I think she picked it up at a thrift store) at a round table that has a Sigmund Freud bobble head on it...and big bowl of hard candylll
She spent half the appointment talking about her (her mother recently died, and she isnt getting along with her sister, who took her mothers cats..ect ect) and the other half talking about how wonderful I am...which while fabulous for my self esteem, makes me wonder if I should be more concerned that we dont delve deeper into my psyche..

Somtimes we talk about shopping...

Is it bad that I think my shrink may be nutters?
Or is she just so brilliant I dont realize she's helping me...

Anyway, I always feel shiny after leaving (new Adderall script in hand)
still, I wonder....

Strange fits of thievery...and big puffy lips..

Alrighty...so last week as I was loading Brutus the big white dog into the subaru for the trip to the vet for his rabies shot (poor old fart, he can no longer leap joyously into and out of my car, so I get his front paws in and ppuuussshhh the remained of his 108lb bulk into the waggin) I happened to glance at my license plate and noticed...someone had taken the sticker with the year (here in Weargina when we renew our vehicle registration yearly/bi-yearly we get a little sticker with the new year on it to stick on our license plate..I am told is not the case elsewhere..s)
Anyway, the sticker I placed on it last October was gone..and instead of 07...it read 05.
So, twould appear someone had peeled off the new one...I dont know when..

I was sure having the luck of the Finns, that now that I was aware of this..I would get stopped by the po-lice wanting an explaination as to my expired status. (luckily I have the registration..and stopmedropme I actually had the receipt from the online purchase)
Obviously..this necessitated a pilgrimage to the local DMV. woo. and seeing as there is a branch near my place of enslavement I went on my lunch hour.
I expected it to be insane..so I was not irritated when it was packed..I welcomed the chance to do some people watching/mocking..and there are few placed better to do this than the DMV...for it is societies great equalizer..
I queued up and lo and behold I hit the weird people motherload..in front of me was a woman who had obviously had her lips recently injected with collagen...Having never seen this phenomenon up close I was fascinated by this. HER LIPS WERE HUGE..I mean Donald Duck...her face got stuck in a pool drain HUGE...and they were smeared generously with lip gloss as well...
I am completely at a loss as to the reasoning behind this procedure...it looks so completely unnatural (to this I offer Meg Ryan and her "trout pout" as an example) and I find it impossible to believe that they look in the mirror and see otherwise (much like low rise trousers/jeans...Do you not see that "muffin top" spilling over the top of the waistband?? Because we do, and we are mocking you) anyway I digress.
The DMV was a hoot, there was a big hairy man there with a teeny tiny little asian woman, she was his new wife...and she didnt speak English.
::blink:: ::blink::
Over there is the Abercromie & Fitch model loudly protesting his failure of the driving test, because the questions could be "open to intrepretation".
And a young latina wearing the the tightest jeans and tube top...I swear the temptation to press a spoon against a seam to see if she pops like a can of biscuits was so strong I had to dig through my purse for a mint, just to preoccupy my mind (no mint, but I did find a ring pop I bought my little angel and never gave to him...Cotton Candy flavored..yummm)

Anyway, an hourish later I was reapplying my 07 stickers to my plates again)..and it only cost me a dollar!

Bad Penny...

I've been a bad bad girl.
And now I'm paying the price.
Margaritas on a midweek night are an ill advised choice.
Shame on Penny.
Thankfully, I left no photographic evidence to remind of my shennanigans.
And the gorgeous young man I so ill abused, hopefully you are no worse for the wear.

I distinctly recall telling you I did indeed know all the words to "The Lumberjack Song"

Never bet anything you arent willing to lose...silly rabbit.

Love, love...love...all you need is kibble..

Theres a plot afoot.

Howevermany years ago. We decided to get a cat. So I went to the local animal shelter and found two perfectly lovely ones, a calico and a fat grey one...put them on "hold" and brought my son to meet them the next day.
The calico ran under a chair in the visiting room, refusing to come out, and the grey one fell into a narcoleptic snooze right in the middle of the floor.
So they're no go with the little man...and out we go to look around.
My son stops in front of the cage of a skinny, snot nosed, runny eyed orange tabby cat who was missing half his whiskers..and declares he want to visit with this one..oh joy.
So into the visiting room we tramp..sensing immediately whose bread was the top slice, the orange germ-a-kitty promptly crawls into my sons lap and starts purring.
::sigh:: sold.
Welcome Darwin..
So whose head does he snooze on now, who does he hollar at when he wants food or the window opened? Mine of course. (by the by, once he gained some weight, and lost the cold, his wiskers did grown back and he's a wonderful cat)
So three-ish years ago, I decide to add a dog to this mix.
So after much this and that and propaganda as to the breeds adoration of children.., I decided to rescue a Dogo Argentino (look it up) and after a trip to meet him halfway..
Brutus becomes a part of our family...now who does he wait for by the door, attempt to heft his pony size proportions on and stare adoringly at with big doggy eyes?
Yup..me again.

So when a teammate hauled two of her labradors puppies to a soccer game, I vowed to stand firm.
No more animals.
Yeah.
Hi Gretzky...welcome to the fold.
This time though I was ready to head the problem off at the pass.
I set the crate up in my sons room, having read that sleeping in close proximity to a human not only reduces the whining (in this case true) but also bonds the dog with said slumbering human.
And tried to diminish my role to outside in middle of night escort.
One week later my son is sick..like cannot get out of bed, good for zip sick for close to a week..
So whilst I was still the midnight escort "Do your business..do your business" I also became the feeder, player, and whatever else...

Well, now my son is better, my cat having hidden in the laundry room for a week is thinner, and my bigwhitedog Brutus is none to happy with the ADD yappy puppy who thinks I'm all that and a bag of kibble now following me everwhere.. (andBrutus showed this yesterday by peeing on the puppies head)


And yet my shiny goodness remains shiny and good..I just need a nap.

That smarted.

I had a soccer game last night.
I stopped a ball at 2 feet with the right side of my face and head.
It hurt ever so much.
And I still have a verra bad heachache from it.

No fear! there is not a mark on my face...strangely enough.

When remarking upon this interesting phenomenon, a co-worker stated "That means if your husband ever beats you up you wont get bruised"

OOOOHHHH KAAAAAY

My blood ran cold...

So I was already to blog amusing...until my co-worker sent me a video that a security specialist had created that chilled me to the very bone.

scary_video

I cannot tell you how much this scares the hell out of me.
That people walked by, just walked by whilst this child was obviously being abducted.

We teach our children not to talk to strangers or get into a car with anyone they dont know) (or better do as I do and give him "5" meaning 5 people he is allowed to get into a car with if I am not there. His father, either of his grandmothers, his babysitter, and our neighbor C.
NOBODY else. (and I do mean NOBODY)
And we tell them if someone is trying to grab them or engage them against their will to SCREAM SCREAM SCREAM "HELP HELP YOU ARE NOT MY MOTHER/FATHER!"

But apparently I am incredibly naive, because it never occured to me, that if my child were to scream for his life...that someone would just walk away and leave him to whatever his fate may be.

Why? How? I'm stunned, terrified..and just wow..this is disappointing as hell

Holy Smokes...

I've stopped smoking.
Yeah me.
I'd like to say it was some grand gesture toward self improvement, or that the guilt of hiding it from my darlingangel (HELL O HIPPO CRIT)just got to be too much for me.

But that would be a lie, because I loathe anything even slightly wafting of self improvement, and I'm a hypocrit.

And don't think it was some hard arduous task involving prescription whosiwhatits (I'm already on Adderall darlings..I dont really need more pharmaceuticals)I am one of those loathesome personages who can quit and start by your leave.

Nope, while I admit, the danger of leaving a lung on the soccer field was no small incentive, it was actually that I was so busy for a couple of days leading into weeks, that I simply forgot to smoke.


Now I understand the disbelief and amazement. Because obviously since my ass has not shrunk I did not forget to eat. (though in my defense there, I can eat inside..and in front on my child)
But it's the truth...by the time my smoking time arrived (after the little one is snoring and housework is done) I was simply to exhausted to be arsed with going outside, or simply just forgot.

And since the foul language is soon to be departing as well...my 9 year old dropped the F bomb this weekend...oops...I shall soon be without vice..

Blech. I need to work on that...

because it deserves repeating..

Until it is drilled into all of your little brains...

Marry whomever you want, may the carcasses of your ex wives and husbands litter the roadsides...

But be very very choosy my little dearies with whom you breed ...because THOSE are the fuckers you are stuck with life...FOR LIFE.

Especially you gentlemen, once that bunny gives up the ghost...Not only do you no longer have a choice as to whether you are going to be a father (biologically)...you have to live with that lack of choice..one way or another...FOREVER.

Harsh..you betcha.

(I am not even going to delve into women who get knocked up on purpose to get/keep a man, there aren't ways to measure how mentally stunted ya'll are)

Clearly I'm nutters

Because..the 9 year old boy.
not so secretly psychotic cat...
and 108 pound Mastiff with allergies are not family enough....(all of whom love nothing as so much as velcro-ing themselves to me at any given time)

And obviously the full time job, and three soccer teams (two mine..one the kiddo's)dont keep me busy enough...

This weekend,I added a Puppy..an 8 week old Labrador Puppy has now joined the motley crew that makes up my family...

Yes, St Elizabeths? I'd like to book a room with a view...

Neutered Germies

I am back!

I would like to say it feels wonderful to be alive, but I'm still boogery and hacky and wheezy.
So frankly it aint bliss...

But thanks to my loverly PA and Levaquin my germs are now shooting blanks..impotent.

And you will also be pleased to know, (but not suprised I suspect) that I still I look gorgeous.

Even the green plague could not dull my shiny goodness.

Yeah me!

Mutant Junkie Germs..

Those of you who are not yet blessed with progeny may not be familiar with this phenomenon.. known as "the illness your child brings home from school"

An illness your child brings home from school will be the worst, most miserable, hateful sickness that has ever wrapped it's death like arms around you.

You will be so sick, you fear that you will actually live...and it will last so long as to devour all of your carefully accumulated sick leave you had planned to sparingly use to alleviate the holiday drought from Presidents day to Memorial day.

Because regardless of what a hardass you may view yourself as, the "brought-home-from-school illness" with have you buried in Kleenex and cough drop wrappers and your entire wardrobe will have a slight scent of Vicks Vapo-rub for weeks.

Your co-workers will shun you, scuttling across the hallways like roaches when they see you skulking and wheezing toward them (since this is now day "whatever" and you have refused to use more sick leave, you have come to work)

This is why, when your little angel is actually old enough to attend school other parents smirk. You will say "Oh my child is clean"
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAa
There is are always families that send their children to school sick, and it matter not HOW sick they are (I've received not ONE but TWO letters alerting "us" that a child with Scarlet Fever has been sent to school)
Now the school has also sent repeated letters home, imploring parents to please not send their vomitting/dysentery wracked child to school until said symptoms have been absent for a full 24 hours. Ditto for fevers, and various other plagues.

Luckily for you, I am so sick I am not going to digress into my rant against employers in this godforsaken country.
Is it co-incidence that we have THE WORST personal leave policies of any industrialized country?

I'm sick as hell and I'm going to hack/wheeze/sneeze on Congress!

p.s. please forgive any grammatical errors or misspellings is the above post, I simply cannot be arsed to do anything but ramble..

Oh just shut it already..

You know what is worse than listening to a loud windbag co-worker wax nauseous over her new (ok ready probably ONLY) paramour?

I'm sure you know whats coming...yup.

When they break up/split..he finally flees the country to escape the Mad Cow.
She has been whinging and gnashing for the last three days over "the end"
Weeping to all, that she never saw it coming..

Alright. Well everybody else has, in fact we've placed bets on it. We are mackeral slapped it lasted this long..but then she has been quite busy buying him lots of shiny stuff.
I lost official count somewhere around 3 thousand..because someone ratted me out that I would keeping a financial tally (purely for betting purposes..it helps to be well informed) and she stopped talking about it... (well loud enough for me to overhear)
It has be grotesquely fascinating wondering when the balance would tip.

Now what you ask was the catalyst, what made her realize that it was over?

Was it the weekend of the snow fall/storm? When Sunday she ran into him at a local establishment, unaware that "he had come into town to help with snow removal" and had not called her?
(well, he had actually come into town Friday night, because I saw him out and about that night..but no matter) NOPE..not that.

Was it Valentines day when she failed to get even a phone call? Nope.

Was it when...suddenly he would not fuck her without double protection...(after not even calling her in close to two weeks?) NOPE (yes she shared this..lucky us)

It was when she stole his phone (the one she paid for) and scrolled through to see who he was talking to, and found a girls number...and called it.. OOOPS.


HOLYFUCKINGSHITNOWAY....

So now she on Nuclear Meltdown...sniffling and snorting..and asking everyone their opinion.

It's...it's so uncomfortable...and yet compelling..

A Fool and her money are soon parted...

I love to shop.
I know I know..it would appear to be in direct conflict with my anti-consumerism rant of months past.
But I'm not attempting to purchase anyone's affections.
I am shopping mostly for my progeny and I.

So as I am sure as web savvy individuals we all have favorite e-tailers whose goods tempt us with their shiny goodness.

And I shall introduce my most favorite here...

Black Phoenix Alchemy Labs. BPAL to the devoted hoards.
If you have not experienced this website..please feel welcome to do so now.
http://www.blackphoenixalchemylab.com


In a world of department store homogeny, this place simply kicks ass.

It sells scented perfume oils. But not your average Phish Hippie stink oils. Nor does it pride itself on "duping" popular mainstream fragrances.

Noooo the beautific brain child behind this place Beth has created potions that are beyond remarkable..

How so you ask?

Well, their scents are truly inspired and unique.
Taking their inspiration, and often their names from Religion, Mythology, Poetry, Literature, and many other Romantic/Gothic inspired areas.

With names like:

Arachne
Embalming Fluid
Debauchery
La Petite Mort (uh huh..you know what that is..dont you?)
De Sade
The Blood Countess
Nosferatu

and of course my signature "Penny Dreadful" how freakin cool is that??

as well as The Deadly Sins, E.A. Poe, "Alice's sojourns into Wonderland", the Elements, Lunar Cycles, Tarot and dozens of other brilliant thingys.
And lest you think it's just Penny tripping Gothic there are plenty of flowery "walk in the light" fragrances as well.

I dont know how they do it..but they have even captured the scent of a catholic church in full incensy communion...( I swear when I smelled it..I almost genuflected..

I cannot recommend this e-tailer any higher. Even just reading the scent descriptions is fascinating. NO to mention the woman who runs it (the above mentioned Beth)..is just too cool for school.

I could blubber poetic about it for pages.
But it really is best experienced for yourself.
And if you're completely lost where to start..

There's a forum (the link is on their site) that will answer ANY question you could dream of, and so much better than I can/could.
And make sure to check out the SWAP section for item for Sale.

p.s. also check out the Trading Post , it's got T-shirts, hoodies, statues and other such delicacies ( I LOVE LOVE LOVE the Skeleton T). Which is run by Beth's counterpart Ted, who is just one of the coolest guys ever.


Go..go now..and be parted from your minor ducats!

So why can't I own a Canadian?

A co-worker forwarded this to me this morning.
It was greeted with many mirthful outbursts by me..

Hypocrisy 101

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.

The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:
When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors.They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell?
I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is anabomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden byLev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? -Lev.24:10-16.
Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws?(Lev.20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,
Jim

-Ok..so why is it I can't own a Canadian? Preferrably one of the hulking Hockey Player variety?

Super Bore

The Super Bowl is on..and of course my munchkin in parked in front of the tube hootin an hollerin with the rest of the no-necks.
I am having a completely dissatisfying weekend.
And I feel like a complete antisocial whinging hag.
So I figured, blog on and see if I can suck the joy out of someone elses day...because that might really perk me up.

But I just got messaged by some weird guy that I dated once and then lied about getting a job in another country so I never had to talk to him again... (ok, I didn't really tell him that, I dont remember what exactly I told him, but I know I wussed out and didnt tell him the truth which was that I just didnt like him)

I'm sure you all were hoping this is where I launch into one of my witty, insightful, thought provoking posts about why "we" find it impossible to simply tell a person we aren't interested in them, in some cases going into elaborate evasive manuevers to avoid said honesty..

But I'm in too foul of a mood to be insightful..so I am going to go eat valentines cupcakes with my son and see if I can get him to play "Go Fish" with me...

And an extra special EFF U to the couple my son caught getting it on in their car at Costco today...thereby causing him to drop the pineapple his was holding.
Not only did I have to attempt to explain to him what was going on....but my pineapple got bruised too.
Get a room you morally vacuous bottom feeders...that's not sexy, thats just stupid.

Oh Dear Lord...he's a "GUY"

So, despite my best efforts my son has turned into a "guy" at least when it comes to sports..
I'm not sure how it happened...but I'm appalled.
I walked into the living room the other day only to discovered my darlingangel....Watching football, and I dont mean the exalted sport of soccer.
I mean American football...the possibly most pointless sport in the history of pointless sports.
How did this happen? I dont watch football, and his father is too uninvolved to have any sort of effect on him..so clearly I am troubled as to where this proclivity for one of the most boring spectator sports on earth has come from
Has some stranger been showing him football footage? discussing sports with him?
Is it perhaps that being a sports fanatic is indeed something you're born with? A latent gene
Like balance? or the ability to accessorize?
Which would make sense since my verybestfriend H (and darlingangels godfather) told me he realized he was gay when he was about 8 or 9. (as you see I fall firmly on the genetics -v- choice side of the lawn with this issue)
How on earth did this happen? Have I not directed him toward the arts? books? music? Soccer AND Hockey are both religions in our home...so why would he break his poor mothers heart and become a FOOTBALL FAN???
Granted I still refuse to buy him a playstation/XBox/gamecube But surely THAT could not have retarded his intellectual/emotional growth this much, as to make him a football fan...I am absolutely at a loss here.
Do they have interventions for this sort of thing? And would it/could it be effective on a 3rd grader?

Soccer...it's for chicks!

As some of you may know...and now all of you do.
I play soccer. (RAH!)
I play outdoor spring, summer and fall..And also play indoor all year round.
And, aside from soccer being the most fantabulous sport on earth, I also play with some incredible women.
This past weekend we had a birthday party for one my teammates..Her 50th!
Yes you lazy ass-draggers I said 50..

Anyway, the party was brilliant and a good time was had by all...and I ran back into a brilliant friend that due to our insanely busy lives and the fact that chaos always insues..we only get a chance to hang at these doo's (she doesnt play any longer due to a hinky knee)

And I laughed..and laughed...and laughed so hard that I was wheezing and almost wet myself....Everyone else was pretty much looking at us like we were insane...but we had such a brilliant time we couldnt breathe.

And I think that is just the coolest, to have someone or a group of someones...that can make you laugh so hard you have a humor-hangover the next morning.

Good Friends rock....if you dont have any...Go get yourself some...go on..

My ears are bleeding

Arrrgh. I am at work (which sucks enough in its own right) And one of my co-workers is driving me nutters..
She is in love...head over heels/OCD/cannot shut her yap kinda love...


She bores us all to tears every morning by detailing us with every minutia of their telephone conversation(s) the night before...and asking our assistance in disecting every moment for hidden meaning..
"Sure he SAYS he doesnt want a relationship, but he calls me, and wants to see me when he comes up" (he lives deep in Southern VA...scaaaaaary)
Well of course he wants to see you when he comes up you silly cow...You give him blow jobs in the car..(which is just tawdry to the extreme)

And New Years?? RETCH..we were all gifted with ever fucking detail of their...well fucking.

EVERY flippin text message he sends her she has to alert the department to, including reiterating that he CLEARLY wants a relationship...no matter what he says sometimes.

-One brief side note here ladies; guys will rarely tell you the ugly truth to your face.
Remember the two most important factors about guys when dealing with girls...
1. They loathe conflict.
2. They want to have sex.
They are afraid that if they tell you to your face they are not interested you will either cry or get angry...which will mean they will not get sex.

Anyway... It is totally driving us all insane, to the point where someone has offered to take up a collection to have her "put to sleep"
We contemplated wacking him instead...but then she'd still wail and whinge about him forever and we would be no better off.

Dammit...

The death clock...

The end is coming....though apparently not for 41 years, 9 months and 16 days..at least in my case...if you too want to check of those valuable seconds..feel welcome to stop by ticktockticktock so you can plan your upcoming years wisely!

Alrighty, now that I've gotten my bit of New Year Morbidity out of the way..
Jeezus Christ on a crutch! What an insane holiday season.

I hope you all survived your Holiday celebrations intact!

Myself? Why I became acquainted with an evil beverage..Southern Comfort..Since I rarely drink (no really, alcohol and Adderall? Hooah...a very unpleasant combo-nation)
This is our first real meeting...and clearly Southern Comfort is male...because I woke up New years day feeling like someone smacked me with a mackeral...much like meeting a new man..