So, armed with my "buy more save more" coupon I headed to the local shopping mall with the intention of purchasing some new "uplifting" foundation garments after work yesterday.
The one body part I've always been more or less consistantly content with (truthfully considering the woeful shape of my legs and arse, its the only thing I've left to flaunt..even discreetly) has been my breasts. They're quite nice actually, but as every well endowed girl out there can attest, I know one morning I will wake up and I'll be able to tuck them into the waistband of my pants . So I figure I'd better take care of them by buying them lovely supportive garments while they're in a good mood.
Wellllll, here in lies my dilemma. Who on GODS green earth come up with the brilliant idea of making ALL bra's having even the slightest hint of allure all padded??? A 36DD does not need padding..I look like I should be in a Russ Myer flick! Yet ALL bras that not "minimizers" are padded now. One actually said "Cleavage enhancing" WHAAAAAT?? I already have cleavage,..I just want a relatively pretty bra that covers and lifts. So my choices are to either flatten myself in a GIGANTIC minimizer so I look like my granny, or push me out/up/together so I look like a trallop...Choices..choices..whats a girl to do? Every time I put on one of those hoochie push up thingy's I feel my IQ drop ten points...at least. Of course I own one (or two) having purchased them in a wild moment of wanton optimism...mind you I have yet to work up the courage to wear them. Because quite frankly even I'm intimidated by my breasts when I do.
And don't fool yourselves girls..when a gentleman sees blonde hair and big boobs, he is not thinking of your brilliant intellect, nor of your ability to knit a fair isle sweater...He thinks..OH Pamela Anderson! (ok in my case he's probably thinking..Ohh Saint Paulie Girl..but you get the point..no pun intended) So I wander into the local Victorias Secret to test the lingerie waters..(I am such a dumb ass) First, there is not only a rent-a-security guard, but an actual police officer on the premises..Are they there to deter would be shoplifters? Keep the hooligans from stuffin knickers down their..knickers?? Or is it something more..sinister?? And why is that cop smirking? All I know is I find it very telling that the larger population in this store is male, and aside from one other lovely grown up, the remaining females either are just entering or can fondly recall puberty. After carefully scouring the racks I find one...yes I said one, uno, singular bra in my size in the WHOLE store..and its FULL coverage, which means I have a triangle of skin about the size of a triscuit that is NOT covered...and the thing costs 41 bucks...So I then meander over the the shiny display with photos of uber model Giselle throwing her hands up in ecstasy...She is wearing the NEW TECHO RAH RAH bra.."The IPEX" which is apparently now the most popular bra in the universe (according to shiny words under Giselle)Of course they dont have my size, because apparently either us Jane Mansfield types are either a. to exhausted from heaving our bosoms to shop, or b. too damn embarrassed by our huge breasts to go out in public..And this bra ladies and gentlemen is...49.50....50 dollars for a bra! Then the perky hummel like sales person skips up to me and chirps "Are finding your size?" I almost burst out laughing..Still clutching the ONE bra I have found, because if someone else were pick it up after I put it down, I would then be forced to trail person around and curse myself for not holding on to it. I smile and say.."Yes thank you" because I suddenly do not want to admit to this tiny little person that I wear such a HUGE bra.In retrospect I wish I had, just to see the look of awe/horror that would cross her face as she tried not to stare at my chest... that would have been fun. I think that cop knew there weren't any in my size...
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