Never have sex with an idiot.

Because you might get pregnant..

The other chromosomal donor for my brilliant offspring has decided he is going to be a father.

Apparently after ten fricking years of having a son, he has decided he is going to be a father now.

Therefor he has started showing up at Vinners soccer games.

This of course makes Vin estatic and me somewhere between mildly irritated and nauseous.

Either way he has decided to partake in the social activity of parenting..

So last Saturday instead of the usual schedule of taking Vin back to his house and taking a rest or shagging his girlfriend while my son plays on the internet.

He decided to take him to a movie.

And what movie does he choose to take my 10 year old angel to?

300.

Which is rated R. So when Vinner tells him he is not allowed to see rated R movies, his father tells him.
"If your mother has a problem with it, tell her to call me"
and the trampy girlfriend adds "You dont HAVE to tell her if she doesnt ask"

Which of course Vin couldn't wait to tell me.

.....

So when I saw him at Vincents soccer game, I calmly discussed that I think Vincent is too young to see rated R movies, and that MY rules are still rules even when I am not around.
he actually SMIRKED at me and told me I cant tell him what to do with "his boy"

So, I called him a useless pain in the ass monkey fucker and planted my Doc Marten on his boney ass hurling him over the bannister and crashing to the concrete below.

Ok...I didnt actually do that.

I took a very deep breath and simply smiled and reminded him that according to the Commonwealth of Virginia I actually CAN do just that...

HAH!

What ARE they teaching our kids these days??

I'll admit being a parent is so much harder than I ever imagined.

And what is the absolute hardest is keeping on top of his school work.

The wee V (who is not so wee anymore) brings home pounds of paperwork daily and weekly.

Home work, classwork, tests, ect ect ect...

And I have not always been diligent about sifting through all of the paperwork, checking on his progress and cracking the whip when necessary.

What they so rarely tell you is how easy it is to slip into complacency and believe your child when they tell you they dont have homework, and that school is going great, rather than make the daily effort to make sure he is "working" and being the "bitch" when he is slacking.

So a few months ago I began paying ALOT more attention to what my son brings home in his backpack, what he does on his tests, and classwork.
And it is scaring the hell out of me.
Because the work he is getting away with not doing at school is appallingly.

Most parents if they look at a paper of their childs and see a check mark or an "OK" dont feel the need to actually read the paper and see what the questions and answers are.
Well thats our fault, we should be reading the papers.

It is so easy to get caught up in the daily grind, I walk in my door at 6:00pm usually, and before I plant my head at night I : walk the dog, excavate the cat box , do laundry, make dinner, clean up after dinner, and tidy some portion of the house.
This does not include homework overseeing...

Well it is shocking to discover how much my son bullshits his way through tests and classwork.

AND HE GETS AWAY WITH IT!

It was funny when I was a kid, it is NOT so funny now that it is my child getting away with it.

So I make him redo his bullshit at home, basically I am reteaching my son what the schools and teachers are not teaching him..

So please forgive my long lapses, relearning the Revolutionary War and The Declaration of Independence and Thomas Jefferson and George Mason's contributions so I can make sure my SON learns them...doesnt leave as much time for blogging as it used to.

I'm still around and full of useless crap and opinions..I'm just a bit refocused at the mo.

Coming soon...

Dog Obediance classes
And Long division.

woop..woop

What Wonderful Wintery Weather

Sooo, yesterday as I'm rushing out the door late for my sons soccer game (his Dad switched days so he was with him yesterday)
I'm frantically zipping my pants and attempting to comb my fingers through my hair so that every other parent wont be giving me the hairy eyeball because the reason for my tardiness is CLEARLY written all over my face..when I realize its snowing!

OH...wrong post.


It snowed yesterday.

Finally.

Gretzky was whipped up into a fine frenzy over the white stuff, and was beyond blissful when he realized it was frozen WATER (he loooooves frozen water, who needs doggy bones when your dog with do the dishes for an ice cube?) and what time wasn't spent chasing us down the hill was spent snacking on the sidewalk.
Last night we lit a fire in the fireplace and spent quality family time gathered around the hearth ("Squeeze" and I fell asleep while the wee V played game boy)

Unfortunately schools were not cancelled, just delayed two hours.

So basically while there was enough snow for a few fun filled trips down the hill in my back yard (followed by yapping yellow dog), there was not enough to cancel school or relatively..work.

So I dug my car out and shuffled off to work today..dropping the wee V at his child care person.

Still it was worth it...SNOW ::sigh::

The wee V won his game by the by, he's the keeper and had some BRILLIANT saves.

Woot woot.

Oh how Penny has fallen....

Once upon a time, I ranted a rant to end all rants about that dungeon of retail mockery Victoria's Secret.

And just a few weeks ago..your very own Penny actually went into said hellish establishment and...purchased a brassiere.

Well actually my sweetie purchased it for me..after my slobbering beast from hell ate my favorite bra..thereby prompting me to collapse in tears in the middle of the floor..and him to drag me to the local mall still sniffling..

And it was one of those fancy schmancy rah rah IPEX brassieres..

I love it...I am so ashamed...but I look fabulous.

blurg.

A little change...

Or more likely me...a little change...a little at a time.

I was dead weary of the pink template, so I switched, but of course all of my customizationy thingers went poof, and I shall do my very bestest to spiff this up a bit..but really...the combination of being so busy I have to make an appt in my ledger to breathe...and having ADD..well dont hold YOUR breath to long..

But I may just enlist my squeeze with the big brain and his seemingly endless knowledge of all things computery to do it for me...actually that is a lovely idea.

Oh and yes you read it correctly...I still have the SAME squeeze.

And I'm still not bored. Miraculous tisntit?

Happy New Year!

Blah Blah Blah Blah....

Holy Schmackeral...what the hell happened to 2006?

May 2007 bring you all the lovely good things you want...and none of the nasty things you may deserve..

And may all your karma be good karma...

Thank you Tidy

For every foot there is a sock..

I like to share the wealth..when I "discover" a wonderful place to spend my hard earned wages I like to pass it on....and as some of you may recall..a while back I firmly endorsed one of my favorite e-tailers Black Phoenix Alchemy Labs for their delightfully debauched fragrances, and just fun message boards.

Well onto my new e-tailing obsession..

Imelda Marcos was a firm believer that a girl can never have enough shoes.

And while I agree, I have to take a little turn here and say..A girl can never have enough socks.

Crazy statement you say! Well I disagree and I suspect if you noodle on over to my new absolute most favorite e-tailer sock-dreams you will agree.

Name your sock yen and they got em..with a heavy emphasize on my beloved over the knee socks..(also known as OTK) and thigh highs...yes my little consumer driven minons I said THIGH HIGH SOCKS...not just sexy stockings, but they have them too. But wonderful socks. Lots of stripes, be it vertical or horizontal..
Fishnets..yup they got em.
And they also have some wonderful accessories.
Go check em out..

Well shoot.

This is my 100th post...and I have to waste the auspiciousness by relaying that my beloved pooch Brutus has died.

So Penny is feeling rather dreadful....I'll be back soon.


pffft. cosmic kick in my ass.

Halloweenie on a stick...

(and now back to our regularly scheduled blogging..Penny's had enough doom gloom and dreadfulness for a while)

Another Halloween come and gone.
I love Halloween. But has always seemed so anticlimatic to me....even more so than Christmas.

Your chances of still getting some celebratory high after Christmas are quite good. Christmas music is still playing, and as everyone knows you have till after New Years to give and receive gifts..but Halloween comes...and then just as quickly goes.
Aside from the candy hangover and a rapidly decomposing pumpkin nothing sticks around very long.
Christmas decorations lurk for weeks...but how often do you see Halloween decorations more than a day after the celebratory activities?

I know people who plan their Halloween costume months in advance, yet come November 1st..its back to the closet never to be heard from again..(well unless you hit the sales and picked up a few "costumes" for the off season..ahem)

This year I was a Fairy Goth Mother...because it allowed me to wear three of my most favorite things together....overalls, Doc Martens...and wings.. Frankly I would dress like that every day (well minus the wings..,maybe)
It was really brilliant I tell you..except for all the chowderheads who kept asking me if I was an angel...
WHA? Wearing BLACK wings, Big clompy Docs (they were my steel toes..god I love those) waay too much makeup and a NOSE RING?
Silly rabbits...

Anyway, all that remains today is some rather stubborn glitter (which even after you shower a few flecks remain) and the dark nail polish.
(My squeeze went into work this morning and he had a few flecks of glitter stuck to him...he told them that his "glittery girlfriend sat on Satan Claus' lap last night to tell him whether she wanted a trick or a treat" BWAAAA he's so silly)

I of course squired Obi Wan Kenobi, Darth Vadar and a saucy little red devil around the hood last night and am pleased to report the larcenous hi-jinx was well in check...and much candy was collected.

But today...pfft fun hangover.
It's all a big let down...

Luckily I think I can find a use for those wings again...

Blurg...

Well what a shit month eh?

The Burlington VT police have arrested the man they believe to be responsible (believe..snort..innocent until proven guilty..blah blah blah) and charged him with aggravated murder.
Cause of death strangulation and blunt force trauma.
And the bag of shit raped her as well.

Frankly my mind refuses to dwell on this, like a scared little child it captures just a glimpse and it runs to the corner and refuses to listen anymore..eyes screwed shut, fingers in ears singing "La la la la I'm not listening"

But time and life marches on..

JC is back at work now.

Every parents nightmare.

This is Michelle Gardner Quinn. She is 21 years old and a Senior at the University of Vermont.
She was last seen at 2:15am on the morning of Saturday 7 October, 2006 after parting company with a group of friends celebrating a birthday at a local bar in Burlington Vermont.

She was reported missing Saturday night when she failed to meet her parents who were up from Virginia for "Parents Weekend", and has now been missing for 6 days.

Michelle is described as a wordly traveller who has studied abroad in Costa Rica, Brazil and South Africa, fiercely intelligent and independent.

She is also the 21 year old daughter of a co-worker of mine.

A kind, well spoken man who adored his daughter and spoke of her with great pride very often.

That this would happen to any parent is horrifying, that I can put a familiar face to the suffering is absolutely heartrending.

That my sympathy is not for "those poor parents" but for "JC" someone I've talked to weekly at least makes it so much more raw that my heart just literally aches for him and he wife.

This is a horror that words cannot express, it is beyond words.

The burgenoning fear that JC and his wife must have faced that Saturday night makes my insides just twist.
I know the day I came home and Vin wasnt there, and I didnt know where he was for almost an entire hour was the most terrifying experience of my life..hands down.

The panic you feel is visceral, and you are helpless to do anything, and can only hope for the best, while imagining the worst, and it is amazing the depths your mind can conjour at these times.

I just keep repeating "This isnt happening...this isnt happening" Until I fairly shouted it over it over.

I pray with all of my heart that his result will be much as mine...his child will be safe and he will hug her and tell her he loves her and the vice grip around his heart will lessen so he can breathe.

...Updated Friday = 13 October, 2006
As some of you have already learned.

The body of Michelle was found earlier today.
I am frankly just to fucking upset to post coherently.

fuck it all.

In the infamous words of the Wee-V

Hockeys on tonight...Hockey's on tonight...

Hockey's on toooooooooooooooooonight!!!

The exhaulted sport of the artic gods (not to be confused with the exhaulted sport of the pitch gods) begins tonight for me with my beloved Capitals battling against the NY Rangers.


woot woot

Empty bag of fun..

So, Satan had returned to his presurgery self with no real ill effects from his..change.

With the sole exception of he now humps his dog bed, the veterinarian has assured me this is only temporary, sort of a last oomph of the testosterone..but it is a bit disconcerting to see him having relations with his bed.

He still chases the cat, he still irritates the hell out of my mastiff but barking in his face, his favorite chewy toy is still the hair catch from the shower drain...which when he manages to steal he runs and hides under the bed with just his hairy hind end sticking out...tail swishing in furious glee at his plunder..
In the morning when I let him out of his crate he still hauls ass to Vincent still slumbering in bed and jumps on top of him trying to pull his covers off.
He had pulled the legs off of his "Suspicious Chicken" toy so now it's just a torso with wings (he chewed his face off weeks ago)

Basically he is back to his ill behaved self with a few added bonuses.

And his little bean bag is empty...

My little cone head

So as I posted last week my furry little satan dog went in for the great gender neutralizing surgery.
Since it was considered major surgery (and I'm sure you gentlemen are saying "damn skippy!")
He had an overnight stay at hotel de Colonial (thats the vet)
and sweet jesus, I had forgotten how quiet and peaceful my house was before Cujo masquerading as Old Yeller arrived...Thursday night was so serene and peaceful...::sigh::

Friday morning I arrived to pick up said poochie, hoping to see my much calmer beautific angel coming quietly trotting out (medicated to the gills...natch)
But instead out shoots the hellbeast...still much like trying to teather a tornado..only now theres a funnel on his head...which he has used judiciously in the last week to bruise each one of us by head butting us.
This cone for you none-pet owners is to keep said pet from munching on his incision..yummy thought that is..

Three things I have discovered about the "cone"
1. when Gretzky goes into a room and attempts to turn around and leave said room he shuts himself in the room. he has locked himself in the bathroom three times so far...this is funny.
2. when he drinks water, it pours out of his funnel like a waterfall, this is not so funny.
3. Sneaking up on him is much easier, but he retaliates by "coning" you.

It's due to come off the end of this week, I wonder if it will be like a brand new world for him...

Use em...or lose em..

Tomorrow is the day..

Gretzky..aka the Great One will be going under the knife to become....
Gretzky...aka "No Nuts"
And not a moment too soon either...theres a saucy little Chihuahua down the road thats taken quite a shine to my posturing pooch and has been finding excuses to scootle past our house.
Not to mention his new favorite person greeting...wag tail..walk around the back of the person and stick his nose practically in their arse while taking deep sniffies...blurg.

Trallop.

I think Brutus knows, he's been giving me that patient 'He'll get his..oh yes he will" look ever since he heard me make the appointment.

This morning I sang the "Gretzky's getting his nuts chopped off" song
And that silly dog danced right along with me...
Vin just glared at me and kept saying "Thats not funny..thats not funny"

He's getting a special din din tonight...its not his favorite (because that clumping cat litter is a BEEOTCH to get out of his teeth) but its a close second...yum yum bologna and cheese sammiches!

Love hurts...and I've the limp to prove it

I'm in a dysfunctional relationship that is going to put me in traction.

I had a soccer game last night...oh and Sunday night...and I've got one tomorrow night...and then again on Saturday.

I am in pain..I got knocked over last night...repeatedly.

Large offensive (and I mean positionally) woman kept losing control and steam rolling me.

I was knocked down 4 times, I have bruises all over my arms and a HUGE one on my elbow from the last tumble where I hit my head on the ground so hard I bit my tongue.

Add this to the usual aches, pains and maladies and I'm moving like I was hit by a truck..and look like I've been drafted into the roller derby.

GOD I LOVE SOCCER...I only wish it didnt love me so much..

A snip in time..

Gretzky's going in the for the snip snip soon.

Whoever said if it's got testicles its trouble...knew what they were talking about!

My adorable puppy has turned into an asshole...and either the nuts go...or I'm letting the cat kick his ass.

Oy!

Back to school...

Its raining. It's pouring. Back to work is boring..

Ok seriously, its the first day of school for my darling little angel.

4th grade.

He insisted on wearing shorts (even though its a bit of a cold downpour) and his clothes dont match.

The lovely nutritious breakfast I had planned was scrapped in favor of "Reeses Puffs cereal" and a handful of M&M's.

The dog drooled all over his backpack, and he informed me that "wearing a rain poncho is GHEY mom" and only grudgingly accepted an umbrella.

It's going to be a lovely lovely year....so officially begineth the pre-teen years.

Meh.

Public Service Announcement

Alrighty.
I'm back.
Just to bring everyone up to date in the last month(ish) I....
Turned 33...again.
Got mugged on my way to see "The Tideliar" when he was here (I blame him)
Did my time on the "God Squad" (Volunteered at my sons VBS) and discovered that organized religion and I...still dont march to the same drummer.
Lost 7 pounds...but amazingly still have my ass.
Nursed my mother back to ambulation after her foot surgery...and didnt kill her.
And...furthered my plot for world domination!!!

There that should bring all of you up to speed.